How to Maintain Desire in a Long-Term Relationship — Keep Passion Alive Over Time
Getting the spark back is one thing — making it last is another. In the final part of her 5-part series, licensed sexologist Sofie Roos shows you how to maintain desire long-term and avoid falling back into old patterns. Keep reading — this is where real change happens.
Have you taken the first step towards a better sex life? Good, then you’re half way!
However, many forget that lust in a relationship needs ongoing attention if you want to keep the spark alive — you can’t just invest in it for a short time and then hope for it to stay great.
So, once you’ve started the journey towards having great sex again, how do you maintain the desire long-term?
My name is Sofie Roos, and I’m a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist as well as author at the Swedish sex positive online magazine Passionerad, and in this story, I’m here to guide you how to keep going on the good track once you’ve started healing your sex life, and help you avoid the work you’ve already put in to only lead to a short spike!
1. Why Maintaining Desire Requires Ongoing Effort
One of the most common mistakes I see people do when trying to re-build their sex life is thinking that there’s an “end” and a finish line to reach, as if there’s a place you can stay at where lust, frequency and passion is just perfect.
But due to a 2023 study, a sex life isn’t static, as libido is affected by plenty of factors that can increase or decrease desire, and if you can accept this, you’ll have a much easier time following your lust, instead of trying to fight against what you feel.
So ask yourselves how you want the sex life to feel right now, and what you need in the current phase you’re in.
2. How Sexual Communication Also When “Nothing Is Wrong” Keeps Passion Alive
It’s easy to stop talking about sex when intimacy works, but it’s just when everything flows it’s most important to converse about your sex life!
Therefore make it a habit to have check-ins where you in a non-judgmental way ask your partner if there’s anything they want more of, if there’s something right now that we could develop and work with, and how it feels in general between you right now.
It doesn't need to be a heavy and serious conversation, but should instead be a curious and warm chat in a relaxed setting, such as on the sofa on a Sunday afternoon.
By doing this, you’ll be able to extend the periods of great sex, as couples who talk about intimacy also when everything works well are at lower risk of losing each other and themselves!
Do also read: Tips and tricks for rebuilding the spark in long-term relationships
3. Emotional Intimacy and Sexual Desire — Connection Fuels Attraction
To maintain the flame, you also need to build intimacy outside the bedroom, as a rich sex life is strongly based on emotional connection.
Focus also on non-sexual physical touch, eye contact, laughs, safety and to make your partner feel seen.
And if your life comes in between, then schedule quality time together, go to bed at the same time everyday, be emotionally close even when not wanting sex, or do other things you feel build intimacy between you!
4. Sexual Desire Changes Over Time in a Relationship
It’s normal for desire to change during your relationship. You can for example go from having spontaneous to responsive desire, get pregnant, enter the menopause or experience less sexual function, which all affect your interest in sex.
While it might sound boring, stressful or energy consuming, it’s completely normal, and when the lust changes, it’s about listening to what you’re interested in and don’t be afraid to change, go for quality over quantity, and try to create intimate moments before you’re horny!
Viewing sex as something that can grow, and not as something which needs to stem out of pure lust, can also help.
Lastly, I advise you to try finding new ways to turn each other on, and be curious on how your lust works right now.
5. Keep Attraction Alive While Growing as a Couple
Remember that you’re not the same people as when you first met, so why would the sex life be the same?
You should therefore talk about changed boundaries and needs, as you might be interested in exploring new fantasies and ways of having sex.
As you change, you should try to adjust your sex life after your new needs. And it doesn't have to be dramatic — small changes tend to create new energy, so to be open for the sex life to grow makes it feel more alive than nostalgic.
6. Remember that it’s Normal to Have Dry Spells in a Relationship
So, is it normal to have phases with little or no sex in a relationship?
As I’ve touched earlier, the lust changes over time, and sometimes, you enter a period where the sex life goes dry, and to have sexless phases is completely normal, especially in long-term relationships.
The difference between relationships that lose their sex life completely, and the ones that find back to each other, is often that the one’s finding back doesn't avoid the topic, they don’t blame each other and they’re open for starting over.
So see downs in your sex life as signals, not as something definitive. If reading the signals, it often tells you something is wrong, which is great as you then can address it!
7. How Playfulness and Flirting Keep the Spark Alive
To flirt and have a playful atmosphere between you increases your lust and attraction, so don’t view intimacy as a place to perform, but as something where you’re allowed to connect in many different ways.
Send unexpected erotic text messages, use a couples vibrator, tease and joke during intimate situations and laugh if something doesn't go the way you wanted.
To open up for a bit of silliness and playfulness often creates a way sexier atmosphere than if wanting to get everything “perfect”.
8. Why Maintaining a Healthy Sex Life Is a Shared Responsibility
Rebuilding desire always takes two, so it can’t be just one of you trying!
To build a living sex life together, both need to show interest, a will to listen, and both need to invest time and energy.
When viewing it as a shared project instead of something where one of you should fix everything, it becomes both easier, funnier and more effective!
Can You Keep the Spark Alive Long-Term? Yes — With Intention
To keep it up isn’t about holding on to something old, but about staying present and connected with your current situation.
Relationships develop, the body changes, and life takes new ways, but with some curiosity, communication and a want to prioritize intimacy, you have a great chance of keeping the sex something that feels living, honest and yours, and that gives you closeness, energy and happiness throughout life!
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You used to crave each other constantly — now, the spark feels like a distant memory. In her 5-part series, licensed sexologist Sofie Roos reveals why desire naturally fades in long-term relationships, and what it really means for your love life. Keep reading — it's more normal than you think.
