The Best Tricks for Re-Building the Lust Again in Long-Term Relationships
Losing the spark doesn't mean it's gone forever — it just means it's time to rebuild it. In her 5-part series, licensed sexologist Sofie Roos shares the most effective tricks to reconnect sexually with your partner and reignite desire. Keep reading — a better sex life starts with knowing where to begin.
It’s easy to think that passion just happens, and that lust either is there, or is not, but this is rarely the case in long-term relationships.
When you’ve been together for a long time, intimacy becomes something that you need to actively work with for keeping alive — a healthy sex life in relationships never comes for free.
So, the question remains: how do you rebuild intimacy as a couple when you’ve lost the spark, and how can you improve your sex life naturally?
My name is Sofie Roos, and I’m a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist as well as author at the Swedish sex positive online publication Passionerad, and in this article, I will help you reconnect sexually with your partner when you want to bring back the spark!
1. How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner Without Killing the Mood
To talk about sex might sound like an obvious intimacy exercise for couples, but surprisingly many people in relationships never converse about their sex life.
We think we know our partner's needs, fantasies and boundaries, we draw conclusions and we hope that our partner just will get what we need, but lust requires way more clarity than this.
So, how to talk about intimacy and communicate around sexual needs without awkwardness?
To Think About for a Good Conversation Around Intimacy
My best advice for telling your partner what you like sexually is to have a conversation where performance and problems isn’t the focus point, but where you talk about curiosity, solutions as well as needs and fantasies.
Bring up topics such as when you feel most desired, what makes you feel safe during intimacy, if there’s something you’re longing for but not yet have been able to bring up, and what you want more as well as less of.
For having a good talk, make sure to not interrupt or go to attack. Listen, and ask questions to understand.
Communicate Around Sexual Needs is Not Un-Sexy
A common reason for why couples avoid talking about sex is because it feels un-sexy, as many have the idea of intimacy being something that just happens. But fact is that it’s the opposite — communication is the foundation for being able to relax, feel lust and build the sex life you’re longing for!
2. Using Intimacy Without it Leading to Sex Will Increase Desire
Of all relationship intimacy tips, this might be the least expected one!
It’s easy to get in a situation where non-sexual intimacy, such as a hug or a casual kiss, puts pressure on you, as you read it as something that should lead to sex. This mindset tends to create pressure, and suddenly, you’re avoiding everyday closeness.
This is way more common than most people think, and many couples haven’t even thought about it.
Have Periods Without Sex, but With Closeness
To deal with this, I advise you to decide on a period where you try to be intimate on the premises that it should not lead to sex.
For example; give a ten minute massage just for the soft intimacy, lay close while watching TV, sleep naked, shower together or hold hands when going on walks.
When the body experiences closeness without demands, it becomes easier to relax and be open to re-growing the lust. So, having a sex-free period, but with intimacy, can actually help with re-building desire!
3. Create Erotic Space Everyday for Improving the Sex Life Naturally
We live hectic lives today, where we don’t have much time that’s not set on routine.
This means that actively creating some moments where it’s room for intimacy can have an extremely positive effect on your sex life long term!
And the best thing is that it doesn't have to be complicated at all for it to work well.
Some things you can do are:
- Have one date night a week, even if it’s just at home
- Send a flirty text message or leave a love note on the bedside table in the morning
- Dress up for each other. One can for example shop some sexy lingerie to surprise the partner with
- Change environment, such as with a hotel night now and then
- Buy a sex game and play it together
All these create an opportunity for growing your intimacy, and even though it doesn't lead to sex in that very moment, it will bring back chemistry and re-build attraction!
4. How to Talk About Sexual Boundaries and Fantasies — Explore New Things in Bed to Bring Back the Spark
A classic after a long time together is to get stuck in the same old sexual patterns, and most often not because you don’t want to try new things, but because it feels safest.
However, it’s important to remember that safety and curiosity can co-exist. So, how to share fantasies without it feeling scary?
A great tip is to individually do a simple “yes and maybe” list, where you write down things you would like to try, as well as things you’re curious about and maybe would be up for during the right circumstances.
Things to write can be anything from trying sex toys together, having roleplaying or exploring bondage, to places you want to get intimate at, or that you want to explore dirty talking!
You can then compare your lists, which becomes an easy way to tell your partner about your sexual fantasies. This does also make you find new things both are open to!
Here, it’s important to remember that this is an invitation, not a negotiation. No one should be talked into trying something, this as lust grows in free will.
5. Understand that Sexual Desire Looks Different for Everyone
Some people have spontaneous desire, and some have responsive lust, and it’s important to understand that, for most people, feeling sexual lust requires some sort of stimuli or that a first move is made.
To understand this can take away lots of stress as people tend to get worried when they feel no lust. If instead learning about how you get turned on, you’re able to adapt your sex life accordingly.
6. How the Relationship as a Whole Affect Interest in Intimacy
Sex is not isolated from the rest of the relationship, and a common reason for decreased libido is conflicts with your partner.
Ask yourselves if you feel as a team, if you have any unsolved conflicts, if you feel seen and appreciated, and if you need to clean the air and work on how you deal with disputes.
To re-build lust is often partly about re-building the feeling of being chosen, desired for and appreciated, and small things such as appreciating your partner more actively everyday and prioritizing each other better can turn the ship around.
Do also read: Common Reasons for Decreased Libido
Can You Bring Back the Spark? Yes — But It Takes Time
So, is it doable to bring back the spark as a couple?
The answer is yes, you can absolutely bring back passion and fix a sexless marriage, but rebuilding intimacy after years together takes time, and must be seen as a process.
The most important thing is that you do it together as a team with lots of curiosity instead of feeling guilt.
And never forget that finding the passion again in long-term relationships is about building something new together that fits with your current lifestyle and desires, and that you always should be open for change, as the lust won’t be the same throughout life.
So when we start talking and exploring again, the intimacy can get deeper and stronger!
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